Limbo/Gotta get away/Bitch/I´m not moving

I´m stuck in this weird limbo. Not really sure if I care enough to get off. It feels as if everything is meaningless. I honestly do not care.

So I´m sorry I´ll never be nobodys wife cause I´m a bitch and that is my right.
We gotta go around again so lets hold on.
Gotta get away, gotta get away, cause I´ve become so numb.

Cause if one day you wake up and find that you´re missing me... I´m not moving...

So let´s just finish this limbo, no more games. I´m not capable of care enough to see this through. I stopped playing with fire when it started to burn.

And it burns burns burns like a ring of fire.

I don´t believe in love... it never did a thing for me. Can´t you see that?!

I´m sitting here, waiting for the light to embrace me. The tormented souls are the last to go, so I´ve heard, so I´ll be here forever. I might fuck you up too.

Stear clear. Leave me in peace.

Pictures of me and you, fading like flowers in the corner of the street whatsbeen and neverwill.

Ignore it, my thoughts are floating on a one way street to hell.


Can you pick out the songs?

Flash/Erase

Flash/smile, Flash/giggles, Flash/kissing in the woods, waking up, smiling, you´re there, hitting you to make you stop snoring, you holding me when I´m scared, you holding my hand, think about you, the rings, the ukulele, the restaurants, here without you, don´t stop, the movies, the laughs, the fights, the pain, the hurt, the red fleece, you separating the yellow ones from the rest, you comforting me when I felt sick, you loving me, us on that mountain, us three, us four, at carnival, taking walks, swinging, making food, in the candlelight, dancing, our song, fuck you, ticklish, shopping, moving, so helpless, elvis, smoking, giving away the cigarettes, sitting at the military café, watching you being a boss, loving you, afro, seeing the shine around you, our daughters, you supporting me through birth, all our stuff divided into two piles, less paperwork when we get married, making love in the morning, looking into your eyes knowing I´m home.

Erase it.

It´s not like I´m sorry, I was waiting on a different story, this time I´m mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking.

Erase it.

Hi, My name is Malin, who are you?

Torn or confessions of a horrible mother

So as it looks I´ve started writing in english, it´s easier, almost everyone gets english so this is it.

I´m a horrible mother oh well not really I don´t hit my kids or send them to bed hungry and dirty and I say I love them and mean it aswell.
But everytime when they´re gone for a few days I start imagining life without them, yeah I know too late for abortions and such nowdays but I don´t mean gone forever but maybe they could like live with their dad. But in cold hard cash that would be a huge economic loss for me and that´s why I´m not shipping them over. And cause I kinda want to be there for all the great things in their life like school, kindergarten etc. I´d just like my spare time off and no early mornings and no buying shoes and such for them. So I´m torn.

I love my girls, they bring me joy and laughter and I cherish them but still. I´m single but still I´m confined to my apartment not even able to go and buy groceries without dragging them alone. Going to the gym after 19 pm would be ludacris since they´re both slow and gets really screamy when they´re tired. And not to mention mornings. Saturday is off day and I have to drag my tired bones up at 8 o´clock in the morning because someone else is hungry I mean c´mon.
So it would be easy being a weekend mum , seeing them when it fits me, but as I said I would lose childsupport and instead have to pay child support which I can´t afford so...

But it takes some injustment everytime when they come home and everytime they go...
Maybe I should discuss this with my ex again and the girls could go live with him this summer again, that would be great.

I know this sounds immature but I am not, I just long for peace and quiet and relief from my responsability some times. It feels a bit unfair that I have to carry the motherload of responsabilities and my ex doesn´t have to do anything else than pay child support..

But I love my children, they are the world to me... and this feeling of being torn occurs sometimes and then it´s gone again when I have my kids in my arms again... missing people is something I´m not capable of...

So let´s all wait for the collapsing of Mylly Bridge,,, some drama in our lives, I´m getting bored...

Whatever may come, I will have it

Long time no write.
I´ve been busy or honestly I´ve been lazy.
I am writing my (insert ugly words) thesis for school and it goes well, not so well. I´m getting to be an expert in avoiding it, maybe I could write my thesis about that.

Well I recently got rehired again which is amazing and I am happy happy happy about it.
I´m planning to fix up the balcony and go on a trip, maybe even alone.

The girls are doing well, and I picked up my lost enthusiasm for the gym and for dieting. And realized I suck at doing stuff I consider to be boring.

So... since my last post:

Trips: Copenhagen, expensive country and freezing cold, defintely going back.

Clothes: Took Melinda shopping she´s a shopaholic in the making, took myself shopping and my credit cards are screaming for mercy for maybe 5 years to come.

Home: I discovered while being in Copenhagen that I have a design home since I love marimekko and iittala.

Loves: blaah.

Babynews: Still the chocker with me becoming a bigsister and honestly I rather not think about it.

Exes: Well the only person I consider as an ex is my daughters father and we´re acctually doing really well, so well we managed to take ourselves and our daughters to the Moominworld where we got our feet wet and froze our ass off. He´s not a bad person really, I think.

Must haves: Prada sunglasses I fell in love with them, not with the prizetag though... Iittala Aalto tourqoise wase, a gorgeous summer balcony where I can sip on margaritas and watch the sun set over the aura river...

Waiting for: Summer, my thesis to be finished as if by a miracle, paychecks, all the gorgeous summerclothes, shoes, accessories and icecream.

Need to: Literally work my ass off at the gym, save money (as if)...

Want to: Fall in love.

So this year: I want to travel, wear a bikini with no shame, shop til I drop without guilt. Meet the person of my dreams and be a happy puppy.

I am so utterly bored...

Baby news

I have to admit I´m not especially a fan of children other than my own of course, other peoples kids are the ones screaming on public transportation or throwing themselves on the floor on shops, they´re also the one you can´t shout, shut up too. My own girls of course are angels or maybe I´d just like to believe that.

I don´t particulary want more kids of my own, might be I´m a bit afraid of being a single mum again. But anyway.

I´ve recently felt fine, nothing special going on to be sad or particulary happy about but after all shit I´ve gone through it felt nice to have a mellow period. BUT

Bomb one. The X:s girlfriend is moving in with him. *dislike*

Bomb two which is way way heavier than the first: My dad who´s 58 is expecting a baby with his girlfriend 39. I am devastated since my dad´s so old.

So this time the babynew made me upset, sad, angry, sorry, and chocked.

Now I have kinda eliminated all men in my life since my dad and I aren´t speaking after a huge fight. My X is well an X. And that´s it.

So now I´m waiting for bomb number three....

uutta.... nytt...

Olen tässä asunut jo kohta 6kk ja kämppä on ollut aika mullin mallin, ei oo ollu rahaa eikä mielenkiintoa tehdä mitään asialle... eilen mentiin sitt ikeaan isäni kanssa ja tänään sain tyttöjen huoneen sille mallille että oon todella tyytyväinen, ainut on että verhot puuttuu ja lamppukin pitäis vaihtaa kattoon... Keittiönkin sain sinnepäin ruotuun tänään, huomenna töiden jälkeen jatkan hommia ja toivottavasti pian sais kuviakin esitellä...
Mutta kaipaako joku pinnasänkyä tai syöttötuolia niin mulla olis myynnissä, halvalla lähtis kunhan lähtee,,,

Ja nu har jag bott här snart 6 månader o lägenheten har varit ganska kaotisk, har avrken haft pengar eller intresse att göra någo åt den... men igår for vi med min pappa till ikea o idag har jag fått flickornas rum i de skick att ja e supernöjd, ännu fattas lamporna o gardinerna, kanhända man måst fara till ikea på nytt efter nästa lönedag... Förhoppningsvis kan man snart visa upp bilder från hemmet...
Men behöver nån en spjälsäng o matstol så ja har till salu, de far billigt, bara de far...

-update of some kind-

Once upon a time there was a mum that broke. Mister X has been away for 3 weeks and me and the girls lived in this threesome for six weeks in a row. I am at the moment so tired since I´ve been having long and stressful days at work and then the girls, I haven´t had time for the gym or myself, my apartment looks like shit and I want to be alone and take it easy in my own peace, is that too much to ask.

The X is coming home on sunday and I am going to send the girls to him and I wont take no for an answer even though I know we´re up for a fight once again.

If I only could erase the past...