Thoughts from the dark side...

As many of you know I was forced to grow in the last 3 years, I was forced to examine myself really closely and open each and every door I chose to keep shut because I was afraid.Each journey back to moments of love, happines, loneliness, confusion and emptiness brought with it new pains, from realising life isn´t as simple as one might think it when you´re 19 years old and high on the euphoria of being in love.Depression is for me the ugliest word of mankind it revolves around itself but also works as a spiral in which one totally gets lost. Coming up from that spiral isn´t the easiest thing since there are constant objects knocking you out or just pushing you down. It takes more than a little determination and mostly hope for a life that will feel better or just different than the grey and black smoke which you are inhaling while being in this hole that consumes all of you.There was never doubt from anyone that I didn´t love my daughters unfortunately this love also caused me so much pain and grieve. I felt as if I let them down when I let their father down by being selfish and depressed so consumed by my own hurt he hadn´t caused and I was vomiting poison around us ultimately destroying the only thing that kept me somewhat sane, my family. Oh that day I lost it all and the pain washed over me like a tsunami and I almost drowned and I was almost disappointed by the fact that I didn´t.So slowly I started gathering myself, like a jigsaw puzzle piece by piece and I saw the big picture which caused me to fall in to mourning and wanting to flee myself it´s scary to be capable of hating oneself so much and the hardest part about my whole journey was to forgive myself for being naïve and selfish.Not that I entirely blame myself for the death of my daughters family but I do keep myself responsible and that I can´t forgive. I had the world in my hands, a man that really did love me and two daughters that I adored. I screwed it up. It´s easy to seek for others to blame it on and boy did I do that. I blamed my parents for not seeing my pain when I was a kid, I blamed my grandfather for dying when I wasn´t ready to let go, I blamed my ex for almost everything except the world wars. Not wanting to admit I lived in an emotional shutdown a vacuum bubble where no emotion good or bad could reach me.That bubble burst when I realized what I lost and I devoured myself in hating people who had it all and could take care of it like a flower. Not that I am particulary good with flowers, I seem to kill them with either too little or too much nourishment, kinda like my relationships.It wasn´t easy to forgive everybody I blamed, it was the hardest part not to beat myself up for all my mistakes cause I couldn´t turn back time, the only thing I really really wanted.I allowed myself to slip into the softness of being numb, not feeling, not seeing, not hearing. I was inevitably in for a rude awakening.I woke up one day and the feeling of being beyond hope was gone I might even say that I could from the distance hear Gloria Gaynor singing I will survive. And then one day I stood tall, proud of myself and the fact that I had delt with 14 years of repressed feelings and emotions. There was a downside though. I saw how much I hated being there in that black endless tunnel and how much I enjoyed being outside where I could see the colours. I felt like a kid in a candystore and looked like one who lived there for ages.I started changing, not only on the outside but on the inside as well, I walked around like I lived in a glasshouse afraid of moving too much for I was afraid that the consequense would be being dragged back. I ignored my instincts and fell over, and did something I swore I never would for the fear of being dragged back in that misery called a relationship. I felt almost superior being so cold and cynical towards relationships and I didn´t allow myself to feel alone or left out, that would have meant a huge setback for me on my journey towards being a cold hearted bitch which is and was my ultimate goal.But I let myself slip and I regret it, when all the pink clouds dissappeared and I saw that everything was once again going to fall apart even though the optimist in me tried to calm me down by saying "just a minor bump in the road you´ll be ok". What took me by surprise was the fact how deep the hit struck. Not so much the loss of a person I didn´t even know so well but the feeling of failing once again at something struck my superior cold hearted bitch heart and opened up old wounds and now I once again have to go through the rage I feel for myself beating myself up inside screaming you fucking loser you´ll never make it, when will you get it right, when will you acctually figure this shit out, stay away from anyone and everybody that has the capacity of bringing you loss, do not gamble with emotions you always lose.So when I woke up today I felt like a huge brick layed on my chest, and all the colours had faded into something grey. I realized I missed my daughters and the sensation of waking up with Melinda crawling to my bed and beside me he layed the only man that I´ve ever loved and probably always will love in one or another way and once again the grieve I had under control struck me like a tsunami and I fell into my fathers arms like a 4 year old weaping and hoping he´d fix it.So I sat in the sun and made a decision. I think my grandmother who once was betrayed by love and never loved again said the words with me. NEVER AGAIN. I will never ever again be made a fool by anyone, I will kill just to be sure not to be killed or wounded. I will never again give place for pink fluffy clouds to come into my life and most importantly I will never again lose sight of myself. There wasn´t much left of my heart when I let myself believe I could be handled with care and not once again find myself in the darkness. When I looked at my heart today I saw that there is just enough left for me and my daughters. I might have lost the fight when it comes to relationships but I won the war in love, I have my daughters.Therefor I now want to acknowledge the fact that I will never again let myself slip and never again will I believe in fairytales.I read once that some famous person sayed "I wasn´t born a bitch, it was the men in my life that made me one" I don´t really agree even though I kinda do. It was the men in my life that forced me to see myself and I didn´t like it, therefor I was forced to shut myself in.Sometimes I think of that one morning when we all four lied there, relaxed, happy and loving each other, I think we smiled, if we didn´t my heart did, cause that´s the picture I have left of the two families I layed to rest for eternity, and each day I have to accept they´re gone.If I´d just known, how to save a life... then I would have saved my own.