Torn or confessions of a horrible mother

So as it looks I´ve started writing in english, it´s easier, almost everyone gets english so this is it.

I´m a horrible mother oh well not really I don´t hit my kids or send them to bed hungry and dirty and I say I love them and mean it aswell.
But everytime when they´re gone for a few days I start imagining life without them, yeah I know too late for abortions and such nowdays but I don´t mean gone forever but maybe they could like live with their dad. But in cold hard cash that would be a huge economic loss for me and that´s why I´m not shipping them over. And cause I kinda want to be there for all the great things in their life like school, kindergarten etc. I´d just like my spare time off and no early mornings and no buying shoes and such for them. So I´m torn.

I love my girls, they bring me joy and laughter and I cherish them but still. I´m single but still I´m confined to my apartment not even able to go and buy groceries without dragging them alone. Going to the gym after 19 pm would be ludacris since they´re both slow and gets really screamy when they´re tired. And not to mention mornings. Saturday is off day and I have to drag my tired bones up at 8 o´clock in the morning because someone else is hungry I mean c´mon.
So it would be easy being a weekend mum , seeing them when it fits me, but as I said I would lose childsupport and instead have to pay child support which I can´t afford so...

But it takes some injustment everytime when they come home and everytime they go...
Maybe I should discuss this with my ex again and the girls could go live with him this summer again, that would be great.

I know this sounds immature but I am not, I just long for peace and quiet and relief from my responsability some times. It feels a bit unfair that I have to carry the motherload of responsabilities and my ex doesn´t have to do anything else than pay child support..

But I love my children, they are the world to me... and this feeling of being torn occurs sometimes and then it´s gone again when I have my kids in my arms again... missing people is something I´m not capable of...

So let´s all wait for the collapsing of Mylly Bridge,,, some drama in our lives, I´m getting bored...

Whatever may come, I will have it

Long time no write.
I´ve been busy or honestly I´ve been lazy.
I am writing my (insert ugly words) thesis for school and it goes well, not so well. I´m getting to be an expert in avoiding it, maybe I could write my thesis about that.

Well I recently got rehired again which is amazing and I am happy happy happy about it.
I´m planning to fix up the balcony and go on a trip, maybe even alone.

The girls are doing well, and I picked up my lost enthusiasm for the gym and for dieting. And realized I suck at doing stuff I consider to be boring.

So... since my last post:

Trips: Copenhagen, expensive country and freezing cold, defintely going back.

Clothes: Took Melinda shopping she´s a shopaholic in the making, took myself shopping and my credit cards are screaming for mercy for maybe 5 years to come.

Home: I discovered while being in Copenhagen that I have a design home since I love marimekko and iittala.

Loves: blaah.

Babynews: Still the chocker with me becoming a bigsister and honestly I rather not think about it.

Exes: Well the only person I consider as an ex is my daughters father and we´re acctually doing really well, so well we managed to take ourselves and our daughters to the Moominworld where we got our feet wet and froze our ass off. He´s not a bad person really, I think.

Must haves: Prada sunglasses I fell in love with them, not with the prizetag though... Iittala Aalto tourqoise wase, a gorgeous summer balcony where I can sip on margaritas and watch the sun set over the aura river...

Waiting for: Summer, my thesis to be finished as if by a miracle, paychecks, all the gorgeous summerclothes, shoes, accessories and icecream.

Need to: Literally work my ass off at the gym, save money (as if)...

Want to: Fall in love.

So this year: I want to travel, wear a bikini with no shame, shop til I drop without guilt. Meet the person of my dreams and be a happy puppy.

I am so utterly bored...

Baby news

I have to admit I´m not especially a fan of children other than my own of course, other peoples kids are the ones screaming on public transportation or throwing themselves on the floor on shops, they´re also the one you can´t shout, shut up too. My own girls of course are angels or maybe I´d just like to believe that.

I don´t particulary want more kids of my own, might be I´m a bit afraid of being a single mum again. But anyway.

I´ve recently felt fine, nothing special going on to be sad or particulary happy about but after all shit I´ve gone through it felt nice to have a mellow period. BUT

Bomb one. The X:s girlfriend is moving in with him. *dislike*

Bomb two which is way way heavier than the first: My dad who´s 58 is expecting a baby with his girlfriend 39. I am devastated since my dad´s so old.

So this time the babynew made me upset, sad, angry, sorry, and chocked.

Now I have kinda eliminated all men in my life since my dad and I aren´t speaking after a huge fight. My X is well an X. And that´s it.

So now I´m waiting for bomb number three....

uutta.... nytt...

Olen tässä asunut jo kohta 6kk ja kämppä on ollut aika mullin mallin, ei oo ollu rahaa eikä mielenkiintoa tehdä mitään asialle... eilen mentiin sitt ikeaan isäni kanssa ja tänään sain tyttöjen huoneen sille mallille että oon todella tyytyväinen, ainut on että verhot puuttuu ja lamppukin pitäis vaihtaa kattoon... Keittiönkin sain sinnepäin ruotuun tänään, huomenna töiden jälkeen jatkan hommia ja toivottavasti pian sais kuviakin esitellä...
Mutta kaipaako joku pinnasänkyä tai syöttötuolia niin mulla olis myynnissä, halvalla lähtis kunhan lähtee,,,

Ja nu har jag bott här snart 6 månader o lägenheten har varit ganska kaotisk, har avrken haft pengar eller intresse att göra någo åt den... men igår for vi med min pappa till ikea o idag har jag fått flickornas rum i de skick att ja e supernöjd, ännu fattas lamporna o gardinerna, kanhända man måst fara till ikea på nytt efter nästa lönedag... Förhoppningsvis kan man snart visa upp bilder från hemmet...
Men behöver nån en spjälsäng o matstol så ja har till salu, de far billigt, bara de far...

-update of some kind-

Once upon a time there was a mum that broke. Mister X has been away for 3 weeks and me and the girls lived in this threesome for six weeks in a row. I am at the moment so tired since I´ve been having long and stressful days at work and then the girls, I haven´t had time for the gym or myself, my apartment looks like shit and I want to be alone and take it easy in my own peace, is that too much to ask.

The X is coming home on sunday and I am going to send the girls to him and I wont take no for an answer even though I know we´re up for a fight once again.

If I only could erase the past...

I´m getting married... To myself!!

So after my last writing on my blog I started thinking about myself and my journey that hasn´t been easy. I acctually thought that I haven´t taken enough credit for myself or maybe I´ve let myself down or perhaps beaten myself up a bit too much. So who´s up for a party? I am!

After watching sex and the city I got an idea, I want to throw a party for me, celebrating me, myself and I... I know it sounds selfish but in a way it´s not. I am not so for marriage in fact I don´t really get why people get married cause well I lost faith. But I have faith in many other things and in the front is the fact that I have faith in myself.

Therefor I´ve decided to marry myself and throw myself a huge party. I want to celebrate the new wholesome me who has faith in herself. So I´m getting married to myself promising to love, honour, respect and have faith in me for the rest of my days. Yes I´ll have a fancy dinnerparty with fantastic food, desserts, drinks and dresses with flowers and music, and I´ll even buy myself a ring.

So let the planning begin...

Thoughts from the dark side...

As many of you know I was forced to grow in the last 3 years, I was forced to examine myself really closely and open each and every door I chose to keep shut because I was afraid.Each journey back to moments of love, happines, loneliness, confusion and emptiness brought with it new pains, from realising life isn´t as simple as one might think it when you´re 19 years old and high on the euphoria of being in love.Depression is for me the ugliest word of mankind it revolves around itself but also works as a spiral in which one totally gets lost. Coming up from that spiral isn´t the easiest thing since there are constant objects knocking you out or just pushing you down. It takes more than a little determination and mostly hope for a life that will feel better or just different than the grey and black smoke which you are inhaling while being in this hole that consumes all of you.There was never doubt from anyone that I didn´t love my daughters unfortunately this love also caused me so much pain and grieve. I felt as if I let them down when I let their father down by being selfish and depressed so consumed by my own hurt he hadn´t caused and I was vomiting poison around us ultimately destroying the only thing that kept me somewhat sane, my family. Oh that day I lost it all and the pain washed over me like a tsunami and I almost drowned and I was almost disappointed by the fact that I didn´t.So slowly I started gathering myself, like a jigsaw puzzle piece by piece and I saw the big picture which caused me to fall in to mourning and wanting to flee myself it´s scary to be capable of hating oneself so much and the hardest part about my whole journey was to forgive myself for being naïve and selfish.Not that I entirely blame myself for the death of my daughters family but I do keep myself responsible and that I can´t forgive. I had the world in my hands, a man that really did love me and two daughters that I adored. I screwed it up. It´s easy to seek for others to blame it on and boy did I do that. I blamed my parents for not seeing my pain when I was a kid, I blamed my grandfather for dying when I wasn´t ready to let go, I blamed my ex for almost everything except the world wars. Not wanting to admit I lived in an emotional shutdown a vacuum bubble where no emotion good or bad could reach me.That bubble burst when I realized what I lost and I devoured myself in hating people who had it all and could take care of it like a flower. Not that I am particulary good with flowers, I seem to kill them with either too little or too much nourishment, kinda like my relationships.It wasn´t easy to forgive everybody I blamed, it was the hardest part not to beat myself up for all my mistakes cause I couldn´t turn back time, the only thing I really really wanted.I allowed myself to slip into the softness of being numb, not feeling, not seeing, not hearing. I was inevitably in for a rude awakening.I woke up one day and the feeling of being beyond hope was gone I might even say that I could from the distance hear Gloria Gaynor singing I will survive. And then one day I stood tall, proud of myself and the fact that I had delt with 14 years of repressed feelings and emotions. There was a downside though. I saw how much I hated being there in that black endless tunnel and how much I enjoyed being outside where I could see the colours. I felt like a kid in a candystore and looked like one who lived there for ages.I started changing, not only on the outside but on the inside as well, I walked around like I lived in a glasshouse afraid of moving too much for I was afraid that the consequense would be being dragged back. I ignored my instincts and fell over, and did something I swore I never would for the fear of being dragged back in that misery called a relationship. I felt almost superior being so cold and cynical towards relationships and I didn´t allow myself to feel alone or left out, that would have meant a huge setback for me on my journey towards being a cold hearted bitch which is and was my ultimate goal.But I let myself slip and I regret it, when all the pink clouds dissappeared and I saw that everything was once again going to fall apart even though the optimist in me tried to calm me down by saying "just a minor bump in the road you´ll be ok". What took me by surprise was the fact how deep the hit struck. Not so much the loss of a person I didn´t even know so well but the feeling of failing once again at something struck my superior cold hearted bitch heart and opened up old wounds and now I once again have to go through the rage I feel for myself beating myself up inside screaming you fucking loser you´ll never make it, when will you get it right, when will you acctually figure this shit out, stay away from anyone and everybody that has the capacity of bringing you loss, do not gamble with emotions you always lose.So when I woke up today I felt like a huge brick layed on my chest, and all the colours had faded into something grey. I realized I missed my daughters and the sensation of waking up with Melinda crawling to my bed and beside me he layed the only man that I´ve ever loved and probably always will love in one or another way and once again the grieve I had under control struck me like a tsunami and I fell into my fathers arms like a 4 year old weaping and hoping he´d fix it.So I sat in the sun and made a decision. I think my grandmother who once was betrayed by love and never loved again said the words with me. NEVER AGAIN. I will never ever again be made a fool by anyone, I will kill just to be sure not to be killed or wounded. I will never again give place for pink fluffy clouds to come into my life and most importantly I will never again lose sight of myself. There wasn´t much left of my heart when I let myself believe I could be handled with care and not once again find myself in the darkness. When I looked at my heart today I saw that there is just enough left for me and my daughters. I might have lost the fight when it comes to relationships but I won the war in love, I have my daughters.Therefor I now want to acknowledge the fact that I will never again let myself slip and never again will I believe in fairytales.I read once that some famous person sayed "I wasn´t born a bitch, it was the men in my life that made me one" I don´t really agree even though I kinda do. It was the men in my life that forced me to see myself and I didn´t like it, therefor I was forced to shut myself in.Sometimes I think of that one morning when we all four lied there, relaxed, happy and loving each other, I think we smiled, if we didn´t my heart did, cause that´s the picture I have left of the two families I layed to rest for eternity, and each day I have to accept they´re gone.If I´d just known, how to save a life... then I would have saved my own.