Torn or confessions of a horrible mother

So as it looks I´ve started writing in english, it´s easier, almost everyone gets english so this is it.

I´m a horrible mother oh well not really I don´t hit my kids or send them to bed hungry and dirty and I say I love them and mean it aswell.
But everytime when they´re gone for a few days I start imagining life without them, yeah I know too late for abortions and such nowdays but I don´t mean gone forever but maybe they could like live with their dad. But in cold hard cash that would be a huge economic loss for me and that´s why I´m not shipping them over. And cause I kinda want to be there for all the great things in their life like school, kindergarten etc. I´d just like my spare time off and no early mornings and no buying shoes and such for them. So I´m torn.

I love my girls, they bring me joy and laughter and I cherish them but still. I´m single but still I´m confined to my apartment not even able to go and buy groceries without dragging them alone. Going to the gym after 19 pm would be ludacris since they´re both slow and gets really screamy when they´re tired. And not to mention mornings. Saturday is off day and I have to drag my tired bones up at 8 o´clock in the morning because someone else is hungry I mean c´mon.
So it would be easy being a weekend mum , seeing them when it fits me, but as I said I would lose childsupport and instead have to pay child support which I can´t afford so...

But it takes some injustment everytime when they come home and everytime they go...
Maybe I should discuss this with my ex again and the girls could go live with him this summer again, that would be great.

I know this sounds immature but I am not, I just long for peace and quiet and relief from my responsability some times. It feels a bit unfair that I have to carry the motherload of responsabilities and my ex doesn´t have to do anything else than pay child support..

But I love my children, they are the world to me... and this feeling of being torn occurs sometimes and then it´s gone again when I have my kids in my arms again... missing people is something I´m not capable of...

So let´s all wait for the collapsing of Mylly Bridge,,, some drama in our lives, I´m getting bored...